Crimson Birthdays

August 6, 2018

Thanks Mom and Dad

I miss you

Lost

I lost my mind

Little games people play

Such a waste

Lost in time’s constant march

Never to grow old

Never to get cold

Or hungry

Or frightened

Never to be held

Or kissed

Or loved

Death is friend

Of all the things

To be frightened of

Death is not my fear

Nor growing old

My fear?

Not knowing

Love

So I set a course

Took a plan of action

Began to uncover

This need I have

What is Love?

I think I know

But I fall short

Can You help me?

Not find a man!

I have the best there is~

But be the person

You created me to be

I know You are

I offer myself to Thee

This is all of me

Rebuild this broken mess

Bits and pieces or

Chunks at a time

Either way

Please

Make me

Divine

For You and You alone

I stand lost in the

Midst of time

My time

Walked right by

Didn’t say a word

Just kept marching on

That’s when I realized

Time you are cruel sometimes

Selfish and unkind

Today I will focus on today

And be

Lost no more

Come Great Spirit

Show me more

~Amen

Coming to the truth

Of the depths of forgiveness

Is seeing your insanity

In monochrome

I know PTSD

That’s what alcohol did for me

Helped the world slow down

Phew

But now

I am

Forever changed

Predisposed they say

Bi-polar disorder

Torn in 2

I want to rip my heart out

And never feel again

This thing called love

It is cruel

When abused

It’s all I’ve ever known

So it’s what I do

Only this time is different

It shows me

What really matters

Church is for

The lost

Way would you

Push me away?

Why do I threaten you?

Do I challenge your faith?

Good

Then I’m doing well

Could I be kinder?

I don’t think so

Honesty hurts

You asked for it

This is why I am

And Jr

You are twisted beyond belief

Ignore the trauma

Your ministry caused

Never saying a word

Silently keeping secrets

Just like all the others

Silent to who?

To your victim

This survivor

Is your victim Jr

Your ministry did that

Bring back every trauma

All in one interchange

Deception exposed

Uncovered ugliness

You abandoned ship

Your little twisted vessels

Crashed into me

Thanks there buddy

You really know

How to help a girl out.

Nothing like

Transparency to set things straight

Where oh where?

Bonnie darling dear~

You have answers to give…

Not to me my love,

To heaven above!

Don’t you know who I am?

I’m what they call…

Quality control

I know the process~

Clearly

It’s your heart I want changed

You will answer for what you’ve done

I have no problems refuting you in public

You are a billboard

An illusion

Hallowed out

Tell me Bonnie girl

Was it worth your shiny new nickels?

Bite this bullet

You bitch

I’ll go ballistic if you want

I still can kick like a banshee

Do love and justice go hand in hand?

Why else would God put

Weasels like Bonnie in my life?

Tell me Sweet Dear Teresa

Tell me True~

I think you would agree

Nothing is more disturbing

Than a false preacher

Absolutely nothing.

Thank You Lord for James

Healing my wounds

With his simple tenderness~

You Bonnie

You

Unjust judge

If you call yourself Mother

You will answer to the Mother above

I see you Bonnie

You are no advocate

For anyone but yourself

Safe Church

Where, oh where

Step down Bonnie

Step down

Love comes in so many forms

Men run this institution

Known as Church

Distribution of information

Here’s the Truth

Mary speaks mostly to woman and children

For a reason

Purity some say

This is true

Only to the depths of you desire

Love has four forms?

I didn’t need a cloak

I lived it

It was no adventure

It was pure survival

Is love more powerful than hate?

It depends on what you use it for

Hate can keep you alive

Long enough to live another day

Hate can consume you

But if you’re a survivor

You know exactly what I mean

Only hate keeps you warm at night

When you want to die

But fear not

I know hate is only a temporary advocate

Hate can never stay too long

This is my wound

Hypocrisy to the extreme

It makes me insane.

Is love more powerful than hate?

Depends on what you love.

Some love will use you

And spit you out

Like nothing ever happened

Not a single word

Wrong in everyway

I look at those who claim to love

I weep

Such falsehood

Broke me

Claiming to teach of love or God or forgiveness, mercy or grace

Until God sent me grace

Hand delivered

Tied it with a bow

He moved mountains for me

Isn’t he yummy?

My prize

I am so freaking lucky

A crown above all others

The one I adore

The sweetest thing

My fine slice of white bread ~

Love

What can it be but an infinite mystery?

Why do we yearn for it so?

It is the common cure

The only ingredient required

To make life

Worthwhile

Love be nimble

Love please stick

Circling ribbons

Love in one hand

Joy in the other

Dancing in time

This gentle breeze of  delight

Makes me wonder…

what are we fighting over?

Bonnie lass what do you think?

was it worth the shiny new nickels?

To the girls you deceive?

Respect and dignity

If you loved me at all

Show me

Show me soon

Times almost out.

Black and White?

You better believe it!

Be a hero

Show me Truth

Don’t worry

It’s me

Who me?

I cry

I scream and yell

Definitely affects my kids

So I do try to explain it in several ways

Not to simply excuse it

But to

Understand myself

My disease

What drives me

Is it of benefit?

Who does it benefit?

My motto?

Teach me

All this pain has a reason

It can’t be for nothing

This much I know

I may have my burdens

As does he

But I know

This much is true

I am

My man’s burden

And his shoulder

We carry each other

Each and every day

Try that on for size

It’s a defining love

I think to stay in love

You need to feed love

Remember why you fell in love

Look for love in the mess

And adore the one God sent~

The finest slice

Of white bread

Her checkered past

Cast

certain

Shadows

With

Shades of

Glory

~life is never black and white

Color my world

In all it’s Glory

Words

Or

Sight

Or sound

Or touch

You are my very being

Color my world ~

I thought of my parents

I always do

Birthday recycling bin

It’s so strange

Thinking of what was

What is

What could have been

The Holy Spirit

Works in such

Mystery

How it all ties together

Doesn’t really matter

I find it fascinating

Geology

Water holes

Holy Spirit in concentration

Can you bottle it?

Of course

But only faith

Captures it

Otherwise it is set free

Multiplication?

It depends on your gift

As long as I’m growing

I’m doing the best I can

It’s so hard living here

In this tiny town

What do you expect?

That’s where I went wrong

High expectations

Is it wrong to expect honesty

From spiritual leaders?

I’ve come to know

The answer is

A resounding

No

Never expect honesty

Forthright leadership

It’s a game

Of show and tell

A pissing contest

Guess what boys?

I’m done with porta potties

The reminders of Jr

Make me scream

Jr you and Herald wrecked me

Never knowing when I’ll bump into you

Who is Herald the Sketcher

You fraud

I see straight through you

I think you are a horrible pastor Jr

Cruel actually

You protect yourself

Throw me right under the bus

Put it in reverse

Just to make sure

I hate you Jr

For stealing that from me

Triggering me until I broke

I can barely drive sometimes

I want to scream so bad

And I do

I hate you Jr

I really truly do

Your little community

Seriously screwed me

Church and AA

Did it again

History repeats itself

I hope Frank is the real deal

I can’t take

Another heart break

I really am barely holding on sometimes

Jr

I hate you

For ripping my heart

Wide open

And walking away

You are a selfish asshole

I think you & your wife should be ashamed

You are the reason

I despise the word

Christian

Call me Catholic

Please

Thank you

Baptist

Maybe

But Christian?

You can kiss my

Lilly white ass

What’s the difference?

We Catholics and Baptists

Say we’re sinners

That’s me

Beginning of the whole ceremony

Me I did it

In my thoughts and deeds

In what I have done

And what I’ve failed to do.

I’ve failed Jr

I’ve failed miserably

I hate you

I’m not Christian

After all that

This scorn

It festered

My brain is broken

Beyond repair

Tell me Jr

How do you forgive that?

Love

So very bitter-sweet

Tenderness

Is not

For the weak hearted~

Only those

Who are strong survive

Tragedy ~

By keeping

Hope alive

In the midst of

Being lost

In an ocean of doubt

May you find

Tranquility

Perky is a state of being

Content with yourself

Joyful in my circumstances

Hopeful for a better day.

Perky is relative

To how low

I was before

Two morning doves

Sitting in the sun

Cooing so merrily

When out of the thicket

Hopped a cricket

Yum!

Just as lunch was about to be served,

Down swooped a hawk

And carried the kissing dove off

Then there was one~

One lovely dove

Sitting in the sun

Eating a cricket

So merrily

Yum!

Isn’t survival fun?

Ode to Present

Connection I See

Timeless energy

Just a glimmer

Coats my core

Renewing my

Hope

You deliver that

Straight to my heart

Planted in the grass

Engulfing me

In Your

Timeless energy

If I have but one wish

It is to remember

Your tenderness~

My love wrote me a poem

Told me what he would do

If given the chance

He would stay

Forever true~

This is how I know

I’m blessed~

I’m broken and he helps

Me to heal

Forever true~

Honest to the core

Understanding me~

Like no other

This love of mine

Sent from heaven above

Teach me~

Your tender

Simple

Divine

Love

When I step back

To view my life

I See

Goodness

All around me

My past is my teacher

My future is my friend

My present is my husband

Sent from

Heaven above

To teach me

Love

These words I write

Some call them poems

Others prose or prayers

I write them as they come

They are not mine necessarily

They free me

This is why

I give them away

They are mine to give

I offer them

In order to free myself

You decide

I see the why

In ugliness

Why do you act that way?

Because you are afraid

If fear is all you’ve ever known

How can you act differently?

Someone must show you…

To deny your wrongdoing

Is to deny my love

When will churches learn?

Reputation is only as good as

What you preserve

You protected the wrong thing my love

You protected title & ego

You insure property

At the expense

Of innocence

This is what I have to say to you

Bonnie boy~

You are not

You have a

Hardened heart

I saw it that day

Clear as a bell

A dried well

Nothing left to give

This is why I know

You need to know

What your church did to me

Was not okay

In any way, shape or form

So this I have to say

Twisted churches who twist truth

To suit their twisted needs?

Beware

Truth has arrived

What Truth?

The truth about Grace

Let’s get honest

Bonnie boy

Only honesty

Will free me

Honestly,

I think you are a weasel

Sorry

I hope

I’m wrong about who

You truly are

This much I know

I can’t call you friend

I was wrong

All long

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